Love is treated as a gift only by the loving one. (S)he requires compensation for this gift (s)he can give. So… so for someone who has taken a drubbing with someone’s love, love is often just a burden. Like a diseased. So if you fall in love with someone suddenly, pay attention to him/her, do not smother him/her to death with your love.
Businesswomen who try to build relations actively and sometimes even violently (but unsuccessfully) can’t understand that relations are not business – the less you raise the price and the less you negotiate it the more you finally get. It is a battle where opponents enter the arena, throw their armors down and hug each other, crying with unbearable weakness of happiness.
To develop relations means to investigate new facets of your partner. To develop as a personality means to investigate new facets of yourself. That is why we need roles – due to them the world rotates faster, it is like turning our different sides to it, it fastens development and does not let us feel bored.
If relations in their development are thought of as of palette it will be clear that different people prefer different colours: someone likes sitting and waiting for a beginning, someone wants the falling love period to last longer, someone strains after the moment when it is all “serious”, someone gets stuck with difficulties of dividing power, someone lives being surrounded by unfaithfulness, some people break up all the time, some cry over their past.
The easiest way to lower (or even to bury) partner’s interest is to make declaration of your love and fidelity. People generally guess it and postpone revelations as long as they can, but at some moment they give way and rush down the hill. Because they want to reveal, because it is a pleasure to reveal. It is like masturbation – once you’ve started you want to accomplish by any means. Then sufferings and reproaches will follow, but is there anything to reproach of? It is your fault that you couldn’t keep it quiet.
Relations are not built up because none of the partners wants to explicitly command or obey, but both manipulate desperately trying to implicitly secure their predominance (and causing mutual aggression, of course). The only possible decision is to voluntarily exchange power, to accept definite roles being aware of own equality and freedom. But, alas, people do not feel equal and free, that is why thinking of obedience, even within a game context, is intolerable for them.
Tell your partner the truth sometimes. But tell the real truth, the facts. Not “I love you (I don’t love you)”, but “I think I love you (I don’t love you)”. Or, better yet, tell “I think I love you, and perhaps it will last for some time”. As a result each of you will be in good shape. The truth does not free anyone, it is nonsense. The truth nothing but binds a person more. It especially binds those who believe that it exists.
Generally the so-called development of relations is not development at all, it is passing to the next stage which is really subsequent, but not more advanced (unlike those who drive relations forward would like to think of it). But the tram, even a black tram of the bright future, coming to its next stop does not develop - it just happens to be one bit closer to the end of the route, to the ring where it will start again from after the motoman has had some rest and has filled all the papers required.
Think of relations as of a process. If you consider your relations something ready (like a cake, for example) they cannot be altered, you can only cut them into pieces and feed people of good will. But if relations are dough, you can any time roll it with a rolling pin and start sculpting again.
A person can’t be self-realized in a family, just like a pilot can’t be self-realized at an aerodrome. Family is a capsule where a person gets out from into a big world for a different kind of business, and where (s)he is back to.